Regrets and mistakes
They’re memories made
One of the reasons I have been so MIA is that I’ve been having a crisis of sorts. Luckily, this one is more existential in nature rather than traumatic.
I’ve been struggling with some a lot of anger at my father for his decision. He thought he was doing what was best for us, but it has turned our lives upside down. One of those now-upside-down things was my career decision. After losing him to suicide, I found that I just couldn’t handle to possibility of losing a client to suicide and their family going through the same thing that I had gone through. In graduate school, they tell you that you can always refer a client to someone else if you’re not comfortable working with them. However, my dad had some very complicated problems, and the few cries for help that he and my mom made were often met with dead-end referrals or counselors being too afraid to confront his issues. I found that I couldn’t take the pressure of being that counselor in someone else’s life, and that resulted in me putting a lot of pressure on myself. I also found that it was just far too traumatic for me to work with suicidal clients, at least at this point in my life. You never know when someone in that state will walk through your door.
Within 3 months of my dad’s suicide, I had my first suicidal client. Two years later, I had a client that attempted on the same day that my dad had completed his suicide. I was able to do what I needed to do to keep my clients safe and hook them up with the appropriate psychiatric referrals. However, it was at too high of a cost for me personally. I was drained and re-traumatized, and I felt like I was more a burden to my employers than an asset. One employer was very understanding and worked with me, but they were the exception rather than the rule. I was finally faced with the fact that I was at a place where I would have to give up my dream, or at least put it on hold for a while.
So, on top of abandoning me and leaving me to deal with a horrible aftermath, my dad had also taken away my career dream, my direction, and my identity. Although I did learn a valuable lesson of not letting your career determine too much of your identity, I was still left with the dilemma of “What am I going to do with my life?” And also practically, “How in the heck am I going to pay off my student loan debt?!?!” And finally, “How am I going to explain a rather abrupt career change without telling my very personal and stigmatized sob story in a job interview?” So there I was, 40+ grand in debt, trying to put my life back together without making an awkward first impression on people and becoming known as “that girl/applicant whose father committed suicide.” It was overwhelming, to say the least.
Today, I signed up for an online continuing education class for new teachers. Our first assignment is to introduce ourselves on a discussion board and say why we went into teaching. For most, that is a simple question. For me, it is rather loaded and I didn’t want to get off of that foot with my classmates. Plus, it’s personal. It would be over-sharing and awkward. I sat there for a good half hour trying to figure out how to explain why I switched from counseling to teaching. Finally, it hit me: I wanted to gain some more life experience and live a rich, interesting and full life before I attempted to tell people how to do the same. I looked back at my life in the past year and realized I’ve tried a few childhood dreams (teaching and writing) and have had the free time and the money to cross a few items off of my bucket list WHILE still paying down my debt (which happens to be a bucket list item! Two birds, one stone!). How awesome is that?
It might sound a little conceited and privileged. And it kind of is. I am very lucky that I’ve had a husband that provides for me and supports me in this decision. I feel like it has been a healing experience for me and for our relationship. And most importantly, I’m living the life I WANT to live vs. the life I feel like I SHOULD live. I still feel like God called me to go to graduate school and make the decisions I made. I wouldn’t have the knowledge and experience that I have now, and who knows if Regan and I would have met. {I can’t imagine my life without him.} I am actually happy. Sure, I get overwhelmed and frustrated with job at times, but I know I can handle it and I feel empowered; I enjoy my work and it feels more like a hobby than a job. I’m just lucky I get paid good money for said hobby-job! It may not be as much as other professions, but it provides what I need it to provide for right now. That is enough for me.
I sometimes wonder if I would have made the same decision had my father not made his decision. I don’t know. But I do know that this is where I want to be right now, and I while I wish that I had taken a different road to get there, I wouldn’t trade where I am right now for anything. Except maybe having my dad back.
