Tracy Jordan Breaks Down in a Stairwell.

A resolution to my New Year’s Resolution.

Earlier this weekend, a friend of mine and I were talking about our love/hate relationship with facebook.  While it’s a great way to  keep in touch with people, it can also lead to comparing ourselves to the PR’d version of life that everyone presents.  We see all the good things that people choose to share, and we assume that it’s all good all the time for others and that we’re the only ones struggling with this or that issue.  Even blogs, which used to be where people told you how they really felt, have turned into professionally styled versions of life!   However, I think it helps to keep things in perspective that the finished product that we see online is just that: a finished product and not the process that the person had to take to get there.

Although sometimes it’s nice to see a fellow #epicfail:

via Pinterest

Anyway, I was going to just put this off and write something on Wednesday.  But then I found this really cool website called http://www.emotionalbagcheck.com/  It’s a neat concept!  You go to the website (obviously) and select whether you want to check or carry someone’s bag.  If you check your bag, then you enter in what is bothering you and your e-mail.  Don’t worry – the bag is anonymous!  Then, someone else can got to the website and “carry” your bag by sending you a message and recommending a song through grooveshark.  Pretty cool, huh?  It sounds like Amy might be behind this…

I’ve noticed that I have had a really hard time writing about my dad or even talking about him lately.  I don’t know what the block is.  I can talk about it in a matter-of-fact way, but I’m afraid to go deeper and get into how I’m really feeling.  I think I big part of it was because I was so depressed for so long and I’m so scared of falling back into that hole.  However, I know that NOT talking about it isn’t the answer either.  I just need to find a safe medium that works for me.  So while it’s not the same as reaching out to a friend, I decided to give www.emotionalbagcheck.com a try.  I just wrote a short little note about how the holidays are always hard with my dad being gone.  It felt good to get it out, and it was nice to get some sweet notes and songs from some anonymous people!  The first one was “Gracie” by Ben Folds.  I actually wanted to dance with my dad to this song at Regan’s and my wedding.  What a sweet coincidence.

Dancing with my dad

The other song was “Pray You Through” by Sixteen Stories.  I just thought that song was awesome because it hit the nail on the head of what I am looking for when I tell people my story.  I’m not looking for anyone to say the magical words to bind up my wounds or anything; a hug or a promise to pray for me means so much and I know that means a lot to others who are going through difficult times.  So, I thought I would post these lyrics and link to the song.  You can listen to it here and/or read the lyrics below:

The walls are closing in
You feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend
You take a breath and then
It starts to break

Chorus:
I’m all out of words
There’s nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through

So lift your shaking hands
Don’t say a word
I’ll stay with you
The tears will heal the pain
You shouldn’t be ashamed
To come undone

Fall down
And let me carry you
I’ll carry you

Chorus:
I’m all out of words
There’s nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through

Chorus:
I’m all out of words
There’s nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Let me pray you through

Noooo!

Ooooh, look! Something shiny!

I refuse to be a part of this.

30 photos later, we finally got this gem:

This is as good as it gets.

What have you done to get into the holiday spirit?  Any family photos with pets?  And even better, any funny out-takes?

One of the reasons I have been so MIA is that I’ve been having a crisis of sorts.  Luckily, this one is more existential in nature rather than traumatic.

I’ve been struggling with some a lot of anger at my father for his decision.  He thought he was doing what was best for us, but it has turned our lives upside down.  One of those now-upside-down things was my career decision.  After losing him to suicide, I found that I just couldn’t handle to possibility of losing a client to suicide and their family going through the same thing that I had gone through.  In graduate school, they tell you that you can always refer a client to someone else if you’re not comfortable working with them.  However, my dad had some very complicated problems, and the few cries for help that he and my mom made were often met with dead-end referrals or counselors being too afraid to confront his issues.  I found that I couldn’t take the pressure of being that counselor in someone else’s life, and that resulted in me putting a lot of pressure on myself.  I also found that it was just far too traumatic for me to work with suicidal clients, at least at this point in my life.  You never know when someone in that state will walk through your door.

Within 3 months of my dad’s suicide, I had my first suicidal client.  Two years later, I had a client that attempted on the same day that my dad had completed his suicide.  I was able to do what I needed to do to keep my clients safe and hook them up with the appropriate psychiatric referrals.  However, it was at too high of a cost for me personally.  I was drained and re-traumatized, and I felt like I was more a burden to my employers than an asset.  One employer was very understanding and worked with me, but they were the exception rather than the rule.  I was finally faced with the fact that I was at a place where I would have to give up my dream, or at least put it on hold for a while.

So, on top of abandoning me and leaving me to deal with a horrible aftermath, my dad had also taken away my career dream, my direction, and my identity.  Although I did learn a valuable lesson of not letting your career determine too much of your identity, I was still left with the dilemma of “What am I going to do with my life?”  And also practically, “How in the heck am I going to pay off my student loan debt?!?!”   And finally, “How am I going to explain a rather abrupt career change without telling my very personal and stigmatized sob story in a job interview?”  So there I was, 40+ grand in debt, trying to put my life back together without making an awkward first impression on people and becoming known as “that girl/applicant whose father committed suicide.”  It was overwhelming, to say the least.

Today, I signed up for an online continuing education class for new teachers.  Our first assignment is to introduce ourselves on a discussion board and say why we went into teaching.  For most, that is a simple question.  For me, it is rather loaded and I didn’t want to get off of that foot with my classmates.  Plus, it’s personal.  It would be over-sharing and awkward.  I sat there for a good half hour trying to figure out how to explain why I switched from counseling to teaching.  Finally, it hit me: I wanted to gain some more life experience and live a rich, interesting and full life before I attempted to tell people how to do the same.  I looked back at my life in the past year and realized I’ve tried a few childhood dreams (teaching and writing) and have had the free time and the money to cross a few items off of my bucket list WHILE still paying down my debt (which happens to be a bucket list item!  Two birds, one stone!).  How awesome is that?

It might sound a little conceited and privileged.  And it kind of is.  I am very lucky that I’ve had a husband that provides for me and supports me in this decision.  I feel like it has been a healing experience for me and for our relationship.  And most importantly, I’m living the life I WANT to live vs. the life I feel like I SHOULD  live.  I still feel like God called me to go to graduate school and make the decisions I made.  I wouldn’t have the knowledge and experience that I have now, and who knows if Regan and I would have met.  {I can’t imagine my life without him.}  I am actually happy.  Sure, I get overwhelmed and frustrated with job at times, but I know I can handle it and I feel empowered; I enjoy my work and it feels more like a hobby than a job.  I’m just lucky I get paid good money for said hobby-job!  It may not be as much as other professions, but it provides what I need it to provide for right now.  That is enough for me.

I sometimes wonder if I would have made the same decision had my father not made his decision.  I don’t know.  But I do know that this is where I want to be right now, and I while I wish that I had taken a different road to get there, I wouldn’t trade where I am right now for anything.  Except maybe having my dad back.

Unfortunately, I have to leave in an hour and I’m still in my pj’s/workout clothes.  Two steps back!

See?  It evens out.

Before the show I never know if I could make it
I spend each day, each day trying not to fake it
Every morning is a constant struggle
My life makes perfect sense

Rock crowd throw your arms around me
I feel glad when you all surround me
It’s you, it’s you who grounds me
When you’re done put me back where you found me

I sit backstage 
Oh I never know what to play
My mind gets cloudy
Can’t think of what I wanted to say
But when I see you
And we’re moving through the night
I feel like I can make it through another night

Rock crowd throw your arms around me
I feel glad when you all surround me
It’s you, it’s you who grounds me
When you’re done put me back where you found me

When I was younger
I dreamed of the people I’d see
All the work that goes into it
No, I never thought about it

When I see you
Oh, my life makes perfect sense
And everything we get from the shared experience
After the show
We can smile together
But only I know
How it starts in the morning again

Rock crowd throw your arms around me
I feel glad when you all surround me
It’s you, it’s you who grounds me
When you’re done put me back where you found me

Rock crowd throw your arms around me
Rock crowd throw your arms around me
Rock crowd throw your arms around me
Rock crowd throw your arms around me

I turn again
Rock crowd throw your arms around me
I turn again
Rock crowd throw your arms around me
I turn again
Rock crowd throw your arms around me 

“Rock Crowd” by Pete Yorn

http://www.examiner.com/insider-deals-in-houston/discounts-for-houston-area-teachers

As I mentioned, on Day 1 we went to a rehearsal dinner.  Unfortunately, I brought the camera but didn’t use it!  You see, this wedding was for one of Regan’s friends.  I have met a few of his friends, but this was a whole other crew!  The groom was 2 years younger than Regan, so he had this whole other group of friends for the last two years that I hadn’t met yet.  So, I felt a little awkward saying something like, “Hey!  I don’t know you, but take a picture with my husband!”  Although I’m the queen of awkwardness, I decided to pass on that one.  Either way, the rehearsal dinner was a lot of fun.  The groom’s parents hired a square dance caller to come teach us how to square dance and I got to meet a lot of new people.  It was also nice to re-connect with our friends Aaron and Ashlee and their little girls.

The next day, went to the wedding.  It was in a historic cathedral in downtown Helena and it was beautiful.  Seeing the church reminded me of the painted churches here in Texas.  This cathedral was the way that the Czech and German had wanted their churches to look.  I am so tempted to dork out about the architecture, but I’ll spare you.  Instead, here is what you came to see: A wedding photo!*

Not that they need the cathedral to look beautiful and happy...

*By the way: If you are that happy couple and object to me posting a photo of you online, kindly leave me a comment and I’ll delete it.  {The picture, that is!}

The reception was also a blast.  I can’t decide what I love more about weddings: the ceremonies and seeing the smitten bride and groom or the party that follows.  Either way, Regan messed with the camera settings and took several pictures of me with a beer:

This was the third or forth one....and by that I mean PICTURES, not PITCHERS!

His dad took this one of us:

Mwah!

So there are the first two days of my vacation.  It’s been a wedding-filled spring and summer and it’s been so nice to go out and support our friends and celebrate their unions!

Get it? Baaaack? Because I'm a goat.

Now that I’m unpacked and have *most of* the laundry done, I’m ready to write a blog post.  And this one will have 2 animals!  Of course, Missy is still the star.

I spent the last week in Montana for a vacation that I lovingly refer to as “Montanathon.”  It was one of those fun, marathon-type vacations in Montana.  We arrived in Helena, the state’s capitol on Friday afternoon for a rehearsal dinner, attended the wedding on Saturday, and then spent Sunday through the following Friday traveling around the state and Canada to visit Glacier-Waterton International Peace Park.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  It was so much cooler than Texas is (temperature wise, that is!) and it was so beautiful.  I’ll post some more vacation pictures throughout the week for a day-by-day play of Montanathon.  See?  I told you I was back to blogging!  And this is about a happy vacation!

In the meantime, the goat is a preview of some of the wildlife we saw on our trip.  Now on to more important things: My cat.

I’ve blogged before about how dog-like Missy is.  Well, her species confusion continues!  Regan took a tennis ball out of his bagpack and the pictures speak for themselves:

Where haz u been all my lifes?

And here is some more tennis-ball cuteness:

I know, she’s playing with it like a cat.  But still, it’s just so stinkin’ cute!  Happy Monday everyone!  What were you up to last week?